Shaping your universe

To shimmy, to shake, to thrust, to arebesque (sp?)........what's a girl in pasties to do with herself at a buffet of dance ready for our own interpretations?

So being the "curvy girl" in the Dallas burlesque scene, I see myself as a dancer that wants much more technique in her life, but am limited by the lack of training. I took dance when I was younger, much younger. It was a natural progression as I think I have been wiggling and gyrating since I could walk. I grew up watching MTV, Solid Gold, and American Bandstand, emulating the pop stars and dancers I loved. My mom was a single mom, so needless to say, she was out a lot, working sometimes two jobs. Now we condemn mothers for letting the TV babysit their children. For me, Time alone with the the boob tube of sensory overload was the best thing that ever happened to me.

So back to dance class. Once there was a little girl with a terrible case of asthma that desperately wanted to be so active but was limited by the limp lungs. I begged and pleaded with my mother to allow me to take 2 dance classes over the summer. I took jazz and tap. Don't laugh. I never missed a class and at the end of the year we had recital. It was BIG DEAL. We were performing at the historic Tennessee Theater. The theater was huge, the backstage area was endless. I was so excited and wondered if I could live up to the prestige of the Tennessee Theater (yeah I was 9, didn't really get that this was probably going to only be parents) So our teachers lined us up to measure us for our costumes. I don't know where I was in line, but I remember the teacher strapping the measuring tape around my waist and hips and dropping her voice in this judgemental tone to blurt out "Adult SMALL". I was mortified. I was only 9 and I hadn't paid any mind to the sizes the other girls fell into, but her tone and attitude told me that the size I fell into was perfectly unacceptable. I didn't think I was chubby, er maybe I was. If I was, I wasn't aware of it until right then, with 11 other sets of eyes gawking at me.

OH this wasn't written as a pity story, so don't fret. Yes it's sad, but you should have seen the costume that tart made us wear. THAT was the real tragedy. Black Spandex crop pants with neon hot pink sequin trim around the bottom. The waist was so huge, it must have come up to just below by nonexistent bewbs. then there was the top. OH GOD! Black and white zebra print tunic with the same neon hot pink trim around the waist and sleeves. It was cut huge, super baggy, not unlike anything else in the 80's. Seems like there was a neon pink headband but I may have trauma blocked that. Headband as in around the forehead, not one that would be utilitarian in holding ones hair back and in place. Hideous. And then those horrible black jazz shoes. GAG! I was the whitest person in Tennessee and wearing zebra print, black pants and black shoes. The horror.

Truth is I have resented that moment in my life. For a long time I resented that teacher for making a child feel like she wasn't worthy of the stage for something as petty as her size. Then I was angry with myself, for giving that teacher permission to make me feel like I wasn't good enough, and not going back the next semester and proving that hag wrong.

Many moons have passed and I am now thankful that moment happened to me. It was a moment that showed me how shallow people can be, and that not everyone who works with children, should. That moment made me who I am. Yes I didn't go back. I wished I had stuck with dance and maybe I would be amazing today. Maybe not. Maybe technique would not have been the end result. Maybe I would have walked away from that experience a shallow, self absorbed creature with no sensitivity to the frailty of others. I am still the curvy girl, and I was meant to be so. I am sure that if I were the same size as many other dancers, I would just be another face in the crowd.

Sometimes the biggest and best impressions are left by those who AREN'T in our lives.

Love yourselves. Love your body. Love the story your body needs to tell and tell it like Shakespeare would have. Seek the people who will uplift you without putting others down . Become the best you that you could ever hope to be.

Love,
Mariah